Complaining is holding you back.

Complaining will be your ruin. It’s self-defeating, and I know, because I’ve been there.

I have complained about everything: my head hurts, a family member annoyed me, it’s too hot outside, it’s raining outside, working-out made me sore, church dragged on an extra fifteen minutes…the list goes on.

 

If this sounds familiar, keep reading…

 

I have never observed successful people griping about the weather, or a meeting they begrudge, or the fact that it’s a Monday.

Because they suck it up.

Complaining is different from grief or strife; complaining is a focus on yourself and your own pity. And it usually brings others down.

Why do we do it? Some complainers want to turn all of the focus onto themselves while others are trying to fill the silence with empty chatting, or “making conversation”. Maybe everyone else is complaining, too, so we find out it comes naturally.

If you are a repeat offender, stop now. 

The following are the main reasons why complaining is self-defeating:

  1. Gratitude ceases. Nothing will ever satisfy you if you can find a flaw in even the most gracious gestures and gifts. Life will never be perfect or comfortable enough to quench your needs.
  2. You will think of yourself as life’s central victim. You play the central role in your own drama and are victimized by your circumstances and those around you. This is defeating because the circumstances might not even be personal. Also,  your life isn’t really even about you, it’s about what God is going to do through you. It’s about completing God’s plan, and complaining hinders that.
  3. It isolates you from the suffering of others. We are called to acknowledge and alleviate the suffering of others. Self-pity and self-focus is quite the opposite.
  4. You aren’t resolving the issue. Do you find yourself wishing conditions were better but not working towards their betterment? It’s time to turn your energy elsewhere.
  5. You may even begin to feel entitled and self-important. Um, not attractive.

So, how do we stop complaining?

Cut off the conversation or initiate a change in subject when complaining begins (this strategy is also effective with trying to end gossiping).

Remember that your suffering is minimal to what others are enduring across the globe. You might complain about your job, but you are earning a living. You might complain about a family member, but that family member is alive and you get to love them. You might complain about where you live, but you have a home. Somewhere, someone else is suffering far more gravely than you.

While we are special to God, our suffering is not unique to us. Everything you are experiencing or have experienced, someone else has, too…perhaps without complaining in the least.

Lastly, meditate on the fact that our suffering can bring souls to heaven through redemptive suffering.

Pray.

Dear Jesus, please be with me through my day. Allow me to focus on the positives in my life and help me avoid thinking only of my own suffering and inconveniences. Allow me to be grateful for what I have and to recognize that every good gift comes from You. Help me to recognize the suffering of other people – especially those closest to me. Amen.

Should wives cook for their husbands?

Should wives cook for their husbands?

I am a millennial and I prepare nearly every meal for my husband. We both work full-time jobs.

Before you gasp (it’s shocking, I know), allow me to explain my “old fashioned” ways.

I began cooking for my husband February 2017 because of Lent. Lent is a Christian preparation for Easter and is the practice of abstinence and fasting. During this time, we are called to humility and reflection while we mourn our sins because our sins put Jesus to death on the cross. With the help of the Holy Spirit, I set out to spend the forty days focusing on my husband. I contemplated the ways I could make the marriage less about myself and more about him.

In His infinite wisdom, God enabled me to express my love for my husband more fully through cooking. Our marital bond strengthened. We became more intentional and gentle with each other.

I learned to enjoy and take delight in serving my husband this way. My husband learned (sometimes still learning) to express his appreciation.

I continue to serve my husband after Easter. Here is why:

1. We are called to love our spouse the way Christ loves His Church. Christ loves His Church so much that even though she rejected Him, He laid down his life for her, so they could spend eternity together forever. Are you willing to die to your spouse?

“Jesus has not placed on spouses a burden impossible to bear, or too heavy – heavier than the Law of Moses. By coming to restore the original order of creation disturbed by sin, he himself gives the strength and grace to live marriage in the new dimension of the Reign of God. It is by following Christ, renouncing themselves, and taking up their crosses that spouses will be able to “receive” the original meaning of marriage and live it with the help of Christ. This grace of Christian marriage is a fruit of Christ’s cross, the source of all Christian life.” (Catholic Catechism, 1615)

2. My dad admires that my mom cooks for him. About a year ago I recall him reflecting with great joy the daily meals my mother had prepared for him. His sincere expression of appreciation for her hard work and act of love was an inspiration for me to become a better wife. I want my husband, after thirty years of marriage, to look back and say, “I was blessed with a faithful wife who loved me more than she loved herself.”

3. Acts of service is one of his love languages. [Discover your love language.] Cooking for my husband is an avenue to warming his heart, in the same way that I desire a hug through my primary love language – affection. If a wife refuses to speak her husband’s love language, her husband will be left feeling rejected. It “goes both ways” – husbands should strive to meet the wife’s needs. Both can positively contribute to marriage without blaming or creating expectations for their counterpart. The general message is that marriage is not about you or your happiness – marriage is about actively loving your spouse, even if it means dying to them.

4. He doesn’t criticize my food. My husband is easygoing and sweet, and I have yet to hear a single complaint despite late dinners and burnt chicken. I have full freedom to experiment as many Pinterest recipes at my whim, and he delights in each. Serving a genial person is smooth and peaceful.

5. I get to post sweet Facebook and Instagram pictures. Who doesn’t like getting the love and encouragement (and recipe sharing) from your network? I’ve been opened to others who share this hobby. We exchange ideas and create community.

If you are nervous or overwhelmed to cook for your husband, do not fret. Have patience with yourself. Start with a small goal of one or two meals a week. Begin your own Pinterest board and start exploring – or follow mine.

Not all husbands have the same needs or love language. Not all husbands take great delight in being loved through food (although I have yet to meet one to complain). If your husband has expressed another desire, appropriate avenue of love, I highly recommend you take great measures to meet his expressed and unmet need.

Still have doubts?

Answer this question for yourself.

Do you want your spouse to feel less than loved and cared for?

Not me. Not today. Not ever.



Can you be virtuous without loving God?

This is part one of a two-part post.

How does one become virtuous?

The dictionary definition of virtuous is to be morally excellent, righteous, and/or chaste.

Can one be a virtuous person without God? 
According to the Catechism, a virtuous person freely practices the good. Virtues allow a person to perform good acts and give the best of himself (1804).

So why believe in God at all if you can be virtuous without Him?
Atheists preach that humans are drawn to virtue because they are looking after their own self-interest. Citing scholars like Plato, atheists propose humans believe all gods teach goodness because humans already know the benefits of doing good. Humans doing good serves the individual through gratification and avoiding bad consequences. Read excerpt below for more:

“The person who practices “enlightened” self-interest is the person whose behavioral strategy simultaneously maximizes both the intensity and duration of personal gratification. An enlightened strategy will be one which, when practiced over a long span of time, will generate ever greater amounts and varieties of pleasures and satisfactions. The task of moral education, then, is not to inculcate by rote great lists of do’s and don’ts, but rather to help people to predict the consequences of actions being considered. What are the long-term as well as immediate rewards and drawbacks of the acts? Will an act increase or decrease one’s chances of experiencing the hedonic triad of love, beauty, and creativity?” (Atheists.org)

Are the atheists correct? 

Well, not exactly
Sacrifice Works Against One’s Self-Interest

Where would children be without the sacrifice of their parents? Over the course of people’s lives, at least one parent made decisions which put the welfare of their children over their own self-interest. 

But what about parents who only want to be seen as good parents and force their children to do things that serve the selfish pride of the parents? Aren’t these parents merely seeking self-gratification?

In some cases, maybe so. But what of a mother, scorned for pregnancy out of wedlock, who selflessly delivers her baby so that he or she may live, and then gives the child to another person to adopt? All the while doing the right thing out of pure goodness…receiving no gratification inwardly or from her peers. Her sacrifice makes her vulnerable. Her actions require inconvenience. 

She doesn’t have self-interest. Because she cares more for the child than for herself. Her sacrifice does not fit into the mold of the atheist self-interest point of view. 

My Deeds Cannot Be Virtuous if My Thoughts Are Not

Am I still virtuous if my thoughts are unholy? 

Let’s say a fictional person named Tommy detests homeless people. Perhaps Tommy presumes all homeless choose to be homeless and Tommy secretly disrespects them. He refuses to love them in spite of their flaws. It is even possible that homeless people have been cruel or acted like jerks towards Tommy in the past. What if Tommy, when accompanied by his girlfriend, sees a homeless man on the street, and despite his own resentful thoughts, Tommy decides to give the man a dollar so that Tommy’s girlfriend finds his actions good? Is Tommy doing good? 

Well, Tommy is acting in self-interest, and it is good to share with the homeless, so an atheist, by definition, would say that Tommy is good. But because Tommy still curses the man and wishes him ill, a Catholic would say that Tommy is not good or virtuous. A Catholic would say Tommy is selfish for only seeking his own gratification, appearing virtuous to his girlfriend, in the donation.

Virtue by Self-Interest Alone is Illogical

To simply care about one’s own self interest is to live a selfish life, not a virtuous one. To pretend otherwise is illogical.

After defining human virtues as seen above, the Catechism goes on to explain the role of faith, hope, and love (theological virtues) when utilizing human virtues. 

We cannot accurately describe the role of a Christian’s virtues without acknowledging the essential three theological virtues. These three virtues take all other virtues and unite them with God. Prudence, temperance, wisdom, etc. are all human virtuous on their own, but misplaced unless utilized with faith, hope, and charity (love) in God.

In the example above, had Tommy used his faith in God to see that the homeless person is made in God’s image and been hopeful of salvation for the homeless man, or had loved the homeless man in spite of the man’s flaws, Tommy would have found it impossible to act only in self-interest. He would be acting in great charity to reach out to the homeless man, not for Tommy’s own interest, but for the homeless man’s interest.

Charity (love) is the theological virtue by which we love God above all things for his own sake, and our neighbor as ourselves for the love of God (1822).

Faith helps us because it is not easy for man, wounded by sin, to maintain moral balance. Christ’s gift of salvation offers us the grace necessary to persevere in the pursuit of the virtues. Everyone should always ask for this grace of light and strength, frequent the sacraments, cooperate with the Holy Spirit, and follow his calls to love what is good and shun evil (1811).

Hope is the theological virtue by which we desire the kingdom of heaven and eternal life as our happiness, placing our trust in Christ’s promises and relying not on our own strength, but on the help of the grace of the Holy Spirit (1817).

Part two of this post will discuss virtue signaling and the role of one’s self-interest in appearing virtuous.

We love because He loved us first. 

1 John 4:19